Why Are Women and Mothers So Hard on Each Other?

Motherhood can be one of the most fulfilling experiences of life, but let’s be real—it’s also tough, and sometimes it can be even tougher because of other mums. Why do women and mums often judge each other instead of lifting each other up? It’s a complicated issue, but understanding it might just help us break the cycle and create more supportive communities.

Let’s look at some reasons why this happens and, more importantly, how we can shift toward kindness instead of criticism.

1. The Pressure to Be the “Perfect” Mum

Society has set impossibly high standards for what it means to be a “good mum.” It’s like you’re supposed to juggle a career, be there for your family, stay healthy, somehow keep it all together and look like a Victoria’s Secret model while doing it. This pressure can make any of us feel like we’re never doing enough.

When we see another mum doing things differently, or what we perceive to be better —maybe she’s stricter about screen time, or chooses to work instead of staying home—it’s easy to feel a bit defensive. We might even criticize her in our minds just to reassure ourselves that we’re doing okay. But really, this judgment comes from the pressure to meet standards that no one can fully live up to.

2. Feeling Defensive About Our Choices

Parenting is incredibly personal, and we each make choices that fit our own values, beliefs, and circumstances. But sometimes when another mum does things differently, it can feel like she’s silently questioning our choices. This often brings up feelings of doubt or insecurity, which can turn into judgment.

For example, if a mum chooses formula while another swears by breastfeeding, it’s easy for both to feel a bit judged by the other side. But this reaction often has less to do with the other person and more to do with our need to feel secure in our own choices.

3. A Culture of Comparison

It’s human nature to compare ourselves to others—whether it’s about appearance, achievements, or now, parenting. Social media fuels this even more by showing us “perfect” snapshots of other families’ lives. When we’re constantly seeing other people’s best moments, it can make us feel like our own lives are a never ending carousel of disasters, like we’re falling short in our own lives.

This culture of comparison can quickly become a cycle of competition and judgment. Instead of connecting, we start to measure ourselves against others, which leaves us feeling less happy and more isolated. But the truth is, every family has its own struggles - they just aren’t shown on Instagram.

4. The Guilt and Insecurity Factor

Motherhood often comes with a lot of guilt. Many women feel like they’re not doing enough—whether it’s for their kids, their partners, or themselves. When we’re feeling this way, it’s easy to become defensive, judging others as a way of managing our own insecurities.

If we’re worried that we’re not “good enough” as mothers, seeing someone else do things differently can feel threatening. But by opening up and talking about our own struggles, we might realise that other mums feel just as insecure and could use the support just as much as we do.

5. The Need to Protect Our Identity

Motherhood is a huge part of many women’s identities, and the choices we make for our families often reflect what matters most to us. So, when another mum’s choices seem to challenge ours, it can feel personal, almost like an attack on our values.

This makes it easy to get defensive or judgmental. But usually, this reaction is more about our own need for reassurance than about any real disagreement. Recognising this can help us react with more empathy instead of criticism.

6. It’s Okay to Feel Jealous - You can Feel Happy for Someone and Jealous of Someone at the Same Time.

Jealousy is just a reaction to something we want or wish we had, and it can sometimes be a clue about what we value or hope to work toward. At the same time, happiness for someone else reflects our love or respect for them and their journey.

It’s natural to feel a twinge (or more) of jealousy. This doesn’t make you a bad person or a bad friend; it just means you’re human. The trick is to understand and accept that both emotions can be valid.

How Can We Be Kinder to Each Other?

Understanding why we’re hard on each other is a start, but here’s some ideas around how we can hopefully start turning things around:

1. Be Open About Struggles: Sharing our own challenges can help others feel safe to do the same. Vulnerability creates connection, and we might realise that we’re all facing similar worries.

2. Embrace Different Choices: There’s no one “right” way to be a mum. Celebrating each other’s unique paths can create a more positive and accepting atmosphere. And you never know, we might even find something new that works for us.

3. Use Social Media Wisely: Remember, social media is just a highlight reel. Knowing this can help reduce the urge to compare ourselves.

4. Choose Curiosity Over Criticism: Instead of judging someone else’s choices, try to understand where she’s coming from. Sometimes, listening to others helps us feel more connected and less judgmental.

5. Look Inward: When we catch ourselves judging, it’s worth asking, “Why does this bother me?” Often, this self-reflection can lead to growth and help us become more compassionate.

Moving Toward a Supportive Community

Motherhood is already hard enough without the added pressure of judgment from other mums. When we realise that everyone’s just doing their best, it becomes easier to approach each other with kindness and understanding.

By choosing to be supportive instead of critical, we can make motherhood a little less lonely and a lot more empowering. After all, we’re all in this together—and the journey is so much better when we’re cheering each other on.