Chapter 9: Sex & Chapter 10: Friendships

Chapter 9: Sex

Your body, which used to be a well-oiled (or at least decently-oiled) machine, now comes with a new set of rules and limitations. Men often think they’re going to bring on the romance by setting the mood – as if an ass grab and Marvin Gaye will drown out the fact that you’ve made it through a day of tantrums, snacks, work and the relentless chorus of ‘The Wheels on the Bus’ and now you’re feeling about as sexy as a damp dishcloth. Sex? Your brain is mush, your body aches and honestly? You’d rather be unconscious.

And then there’s the pressure. Everyone and their dog has an opinion about your sex life now you’re a mum. The magazines say, “Keep it alive to stay connected!” while your well-meaning friend (who you suspect is lying, but nevertheless, you listen) talks about the amazing date nights she has with her husband and how much they enjoy their monthly subscription to Lovehoney. But you? Your body still feels a little foreign. You want to make the effort, but finding lingerie buried under nursing bras and then battling the logistics of actually getting into something sexy, is an ambitious goal (not to mention the Cirque du Soleil-level moves it’ll take to get it off).

But here’s the thing: you’re partner likely isn’t noticing these things at all. They’re just excited you’re both trying. See, the thing is, the ‘spark’ isn’t gone – it’s just hiding under a pile of nappies and sleep deprivation. And sometimes, ‘intimacy’ isn’t about sex at all. For those brave enough to embark on the Post-Baby Sex Quest™, here’s your challenge: start small. A cheeky bum grab while folding the laundry. A smirk when your child does something wildly inappropriate over dinner. They count too.

At the end of the day, good-enough sex (like good-enough parenting) is still good enough. It might not be the steamy movie montage you envisioned, but it’s real and that’s what counts. And who know? One day, when the kids finally move out, you might just rediscover that lost art of bedroom acrobatics – assuming you can remember how it’s done.

Chapter 10: Friendships - The Real Housewives without fame and fortune

Friendships post-baby are basically like starring in your own version of The Real Housewives, expect instead of glamourous parties and designer outfits, you’ve got tantrums at soft play and leggings with questionable stains. Suddenly, there’s one friend who judges you for not pureeing your own baby food (spoiler alert: the baby doesn’t care) and another who’s ghosted you because your son peed on their grass during a play-date (real housewives fans will see what I did there).

Here’s the thing: parenthood is the ultimate friendship sieve. The friends who can’t handle your, “Sorry, I need to cancel, Baby’s got a cold,” text fall through the cracks. And those mums you barely knew from the NCT classes you dragged your spouse to become your go-to for late night S.O.S texts. You might not have chosen them in your pre-kid life, but now they’re your comrades in arms, ready with caffeine and commiseration.

And don’t even get me started on the Judge McJudgyfaces – the club we unfortunately all belong to. Oh we hate to admit it, but we’ve all done it: “Did you see her let her baby eat an entire packet of biscuits?” “I can’t believe she’s still breastfeeding at two.” “Wait, she’s not breastfeeding?” It’s exhausting, and the worst part? Half the time everyone’s judging each other because of insecurity in their own choices. It’s like we’re all standing in front of funhouse mirrors, projecting our self-doubt onto everyone else.

And because every good chapter needs a challenge, here’s yours: Text someone right now. It doesn’t matter if it’s been days or weeks since you last spoke. Say something funny or ridiculous like, “Survived a 20-minute tantrum over the wrong colour plate. How’s your day?” See what happens. Your real friends will reply (eventually).

The takeaway? Parenthood reshuffles your friendship deck. Some cards get lost, but the jokers, queens and aces you’re left with? They make the game worth playing.