3am Thoughts Every Mum Has Had at Least Once (Because Sleep Is Clearly Overrated)

Ah, 3am. That delightful hour when you’re supposed to be dreaming of beaches and cocktails, but instead you’re having a staring contest with your baby while your brain hosts its nightly stand-up routine. Let’s dive into the chaotic nonsense that is every mum’s 3am thought process, where sarcasm flows as freely as the sick down your top.

1.“Why does everyone in this house hate me?”

Your baby is screaming, the toddler is starfished across your bed, and your partner is over there living their best life in dreamland like they’re starring in a mattress advert. The betrayal is real. At this point, even the dog is on your list because they had the audacity to sneeze at 1am.

2. “How did I get here? Like, really—why?”

Cue the existential crisis: one minute, you were dancing on bar tables and sleeping until noon; now, you’re wiping mashed banana off your walls and calling it “self-care” when you get to brush your hair. You could’ve been a Spice Girl, an astronaut, or at least someone who gets eight hours of sleep. But no, you’re here. Living the dream.

3. “What if this IS my life forever?”

Is this it? Am I destined to spend eternity rocking a human burrito while humming “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” and silently sobbing because the lullaby isn’t working? No, surely not. Babies eventually grow up, right? RIGHT?! Oh no. Now I’m Googling “Do teenagers still wake up at 3am?”

4. “Maybe I should start a business. I’d be amazing at it.”

Because obviously, someone who hasn’t slept in three months is in the prime position to launch a company. Between naps and tantrums, you’re totally going to build an empire. You’ve already got a name picked out for your artisan baby sock business: Toes & Tantrums. Shark Tank, here you come.

5. “Why is my baby staring at me like that? Are they planning something?”

There’s nothing quite like being eyeballed by a tiny dictator at 3am. Are they judging you? Plotting your downfall? Or just debating whether they’ll poop now or wait until you’ve changed them? Either way, you’re terrified.

6. “If I run away to Canada, do I legally have to tell anyone?”

Canada seems nice. It’s far, they have good healthcare, and you’re pretty sure no one will find you under all that snow. The logistics of getting there with zero sleep and no passport are tricky, but hey, a mum can dream (just not at night, obviously).

7. “If I ordered an air fryer right now, would anyone judge me?”

Because obviously, the middle of the night is the perfect time to reimagine your life as an air-frying domestic goddess. While you’re at it, why not throw in a weighted blanket, a book on minimalist parenting, and 12 baby hats (even though your kid screams every time you put one on)? Prime Day isn’t for another six months, but your cart is always ready.

8. “I’ve watched enough True Crime…”

There he is, your beloved partner, lying next to you, peacefully snoring like a freight train while you’re on your 17th round of please, baby, for the love of all that is holy, go to sleep. You’d never actually smother him with the pillow though —maybe just a gentle nudge off the bed or a strategically placed Lego underfoot, nothing too serious, just enough to remind him that his snoring is a declaration of war.

9. “Oh my god, they’re so cute. I can’t even be mad.”

And just when you’re ready to sell them to the circus, your baby sighs, or smiles in their sleep, or grabs your finger with their chubby little hand. It’s ridiculous. You’re exhausted, and somehow, you’d still fight off an army of bears to protect this tiny person who just threw up on you an hour ago.

So there you have it—3am in all its glory. It’s messy, it’s loud, and it’s basically the twilight zone of motherhood. But one day, we’ll look back on these nights with fondness.

Or we’ll repress them entirely. Either way, it’s fine.